Beard Molestation: Raking, Grabbing and Up-tufting

I know “hate” is a strong word but, I hate it when some well meaning admirer, usually a woman, can’t resist crossing into my personal bubble and running their unwanted finger thorough my freshly groomed beard. There are three types of beard assaults: raking, grabbing and up-tufting.

Raking: A clawed-finger, downward drag through the beard that breaks up the natural curl pattern leaving it fuzzy and unruly


Grabbing: The non S&M equivalent to nasty hair pulling. A full hand assault that leaves me unable to retreat because the assailant is hold full beard in hand, crushing the shape and leaving my whiskers deflated and exhausted my the rough treatment.


Up-tufting: A reverse rake, chin grab and full-beard shakedown. I especially hate this one. The pin-like pricks are the telltale sign that hair has been ripped from my face.


There are times when a sweet request for a pat, stroke or pet is welcome, but I equate unwanted beard molestation with unsolicited breast fondling and ball grabbing.

Bearded tribesmen, how do you feel?


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